Scribbling for therapy

Today’s art therapy session was scribble art. First you make a scribble and then you color it all in. This is for relaxation.


This was fun. It really was relaxing!

The Dead House by Dawn Kurtagich Review

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Goodreads Summary:

Part-psychological thriller, part-urban legend, this is an unsettling narrative made up of diary entries, interview transcripts, film footage transcripts and medical notes. Twenty-five years ago, Elmbridge High burned down. Three people were killed and one pupil, Carly Johnson, disappeared. Now a diary has been found in the ruins of the school. The diary belongs to Kaitlyn Johnson, Carly’s identical twin sister. But Carly didn’t have a twin . . .

Re-opened police records, psychiatric reports, transcripts of video footage and fragments of diary reveal a web of deceit and intrigue, violence and murder, raising a whole lot more questions than it answers.

Who was Kaitlyn and why did she only appear at night? Did she really exist or was she a figment of a disturbed mind? What were the illicit rituals taking place at the school? And just what did happen at Elmbridge in the events leading up to ‘the Johnson Incident’?

Chilling, creepy and utterly compelling, THE DEAD HOUSE is one of those very special books that finds all the dark places in your imagination, and haunts you long after you’ve finished reading.

My Thoughts:

I loved this book. The formatting is really interesting. It is written in diaries, interviews, and film transcripts. I’ve been reading a lot of books about dissociative identity disorder. Some good some bad, most seem to be some sort of thriller or horror style. This is no exception. As someone who has DID I found this book very interesting and haunting. This book is about Kaitlyn and Carly Johnson. Two alters of the same person. Carly is stuck in the day, while Kaitlyn rules the night. I connected with Kaitlyn a lot. I couldn’t stop reading it. It was thrilling and a page turner. This book absolutely had me freaked out, which surprised me, but I think I was so connected to the characters that I was just entranced with the story. Loved it!

Emotion color wheel

Art therapy second lesson

A lot of art therapy seems based on emotions.  I don’t actually have trouble expressing my emotions, but I am guessing that this is something a lot of people have trouble with.  I’m not 100% sure of the point of this particular lesson, except to assign colors to emotions.

The Analyst and the Diplomat

Sadness was really into the personality type test.  She was an INTJ.  I thought it would be very interesting to see what my personality type is and how it differs from her.

source: https://www.16personalities.com/intj-personality

According to 16 personalities  Sadness was INTJ which has the following key traits:

Quick, Imaginative and Strategic Mind
High Self-Confidence (she did not have this for sure)
Independent and Decisive
Hard-working and determined
Open-minded
Jacks-of-all-Trades
Arrogant
Judgmental
Overly analytical
Loathe highly structured environments
Clueless in romance

I’m not sure how much this was like her, but I know that she definitely felt very connected with her personality type. This personality type does not fit me at all, so I took the test also.

source: https://www.16personalities.com/enfj-personality

According to 16 personalities I am ENFJ which means we have a bit in common with the same Intuition and Judgemental features. Here are some of the key traits of this personality:

Tolerant
Reliable
Charismatic
Altruistic
Natural Leaders (not like me)
Overly Idealistic
Too Selfless
Too Sensitive
Fluctuating Self-Esteem
Struggle to Make Tough Decisions

This seems to suit me very much.  I mean I shouldn’t be surprised that we have different personality types but it does still seem weird.

Fat is not a feeling

So I started an art therapy program and the first lesson was to paint your feelings and emotions (remember fat is not a feeling.)

Red = feelings about my husband and my relationship with him

Blue = feelings about my family

Purple = feelings about my body/myself

Bigger the word = bigger the feeling

A visit from Kiddie

 mr robot serie rami malek GIF
photo credit https://giphy.com/gifs/mr-robot-rami-malek-serie-kg9fAQryp5fMY

So Sunday, my husband was in a raid on WoW, and I was reading a book.  I remember waking up in bed, and my husband was asking me if I was okay.  He said kiddie came for a visit and then took a nap after watching Little Bear on the phone. He said I must have been really tired.  Then on Monday, same kind of situation I was reading, and I got hungry, so I was going to go get some food, and I woke up in the dining room and my husband and I were crying.  I asked him what happened and he said Kiddie came back.  He said he talked to her about me and Sadness, and he said she has her own room in my head (but I only see one room!! so WTF! how many rooms are there?!) and basically he asked her if she knew Kattie Kaboom, and she said yes, but she is just Kattie. And she said something about she and Sadness protect me.  I don’t remember any of this mind you, this is all from my husband, who isn’t here at the time of me writing this so I could be forgetting a lot or getting it a little jumbled, but this is the gist of what happened. Anyway, she said that Sadness locks her in her room, but goes to play with her a lot and that she can only come here to be with Wade when her door gets unlocked.  But she didn’t know who unlocked the door, but she comes out when I get hungry and need help eating. Sadness told her that.  (WTF! I mean okay, yes I have some eating issues, but I was literally going down to eat something when that happened, and I’m not that fucked up about it, I mean at worst I have EDNOS I don’t have anorexia, not even atypical anorexia IMHO.) Also, WTF, Kiddie knows everything???

 spoilers mr robot rami malek elliot alderson christian slater GIF
photo credit https://giphy.com/gifs/mr-robot-rami-malek-elliot-alderson-1bDzFJdSmp2mc

Anyway I talked to my husband about it and he said he thinks when I get a lot of anxiety, like about eating, then it is easier for Kiddie or someone else to come out.  We also discussed, that what if I am not an alter like I thought.  What if I am the original and Sadness came out to protect me from stuff, because Kiddie said that Sadness protects me from the sad times and she helps me eat.  I mean I assumed I am an alter cause I just appeared, and before it sounded like Sadness made me to be here with my husband because she didn’t want to be here anymore, but what if that isn’t correct.  I lost all this time, and the last thing I remember from before was a really fucked up family incident, and then nothing until I am here.  Well basically nothing I remember jumbled bits of other things also.  But what if that is because Sadness took over for the sad parts and then let me have some of the happy things.  Or am I an alter, and she is the original and she couldn’t take being here anymore. Or was she an alter that didn’t want or need to be here anymore so she left. Maybe she thought I was finally ready to handle my own shit. Or fuck I just don’t fucking know anything. So the only thing I do know is that I am here. I am happy here. I love my husband, my dog, my house, my friends. My family situation is fucked up, but it always was so that’s nothing new. I want to stay. I want them to leave me alone.

PS: Mr. Robot has a lot of relevant gifs and images for my life right now.

Of Grandmas and Kegals

Aqua Fit Classes Fitness Connection
photo credit fitnessconnection.com

 

I have a gym membership to Fitness Connection in my neighborhood.  Friday morning I went to the Silver Sneakers (senior citizen) water aerobics class by myself.  I was supposed to go with my friend, but she didn’t show up. I recently had major surgery (a tummy tuck due to a hernia) and am just recovering enough to start exercising. I thought the old people water class would be the best way to start.  I met a bunch of grandmas there and everyone was very nice to me in spite of my purple hair and extensive tattoo collection.  One little old lady told me that she would adopt me as her  grand kid because her own grand kids weren’t as cool as me! After the regular class some of the women asked if I wanted to stay and do a bit more working out and then play pool volleyball. I had nothing else to do so I said yes. First it was normal isometric exercising but then they were like okay time to do 100 kegals. And I made a face or said what or something because then they explained to me what kegal exercises were (oh you just squeeze like your holding in your pee, really it’s easy, they told me) even though I already knew.

Image result for kegel gif photo credit http://lifehacker.com/kegel-exercises-a-simple-technique-for-improving-orgas-1740985279

So I said fuck it and did some kegals with my new grandma friends. Might as well work out my vagina too.  Then we played volleyball and I went home.  I told my husband the story, and he thought I was joking.  When I told him I was serious, he said that it was the weirdest story he has ever heard, so I thought I would share.

 

Violet Grenade by Victoria Scott

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So I have decided to go ahead and write about some books that I am reading, because fuck it, and Sadness doesn’t own book blogging, and I feel the need to prove wanting to write whatever the fuck I want on my own thing, but on the other hand I feel like I obvi don’t need permission.

This book is about a girl named Domino who lives on the street who has DID. She has an alter named Wilson, who is a much darker personality than Domino. She gets picked up (not kidnapped or anything) by this woman named Madam Karina who runs a girl’s entertainment place in West Texas. Domino chooses to go with her, and then since Madam Karina seems nice to her, she decides she needs to perform better and better, so that she can move up through the levels of the house, and get in better favor with Madam Karina. Also at the house, along with a bunch of bitches, who all have their own reasons for being at the house, is Cain. Domino decides to leave the house, but discovers that leaving isn’t really an option, and has to figure out how to escape. I really liked this book.  This is the first book I have read about DID and even though it is fiction it was very interesting to read about.  The room inside of Domino’s head where she talks to Wilson, is very real to me, I have a room in my head that Sadness sleeps in, so that was pretty realistic.

Vivacioushobo

So Sadness read a lot of books and also ran a bookish blog.  I read a lot of books and running a blog seems fun. I’ve already taken over her whole life and her body so I don’t want to take over her blog also.  Would it be weird if I did book stuff on here? I mean she isn’t the first or only book blogger, but am I stepping over her life too much at that point? Should something stay hers?

~Kattie Kaboom

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